From Fragmented to Whole: How Internal Family Systems Helped Me Find My Inner Calm
Have you ever felt completely overwhelmed—like you were being pulled in a dozen different directions inside yourself, with no idea which way to turn? That’s exactly where I was when I first discovered Internal Family Systems (IFS). I had spent years working hard, supporting others, and keeping everything “together” on the outside—but inside, I felt anxious, disconnected, and like something was missing.
A trusted mentor introduced me to the work of Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS. His book No Bad Parts changed everything. Schwartz writes, “All parts are welcome.” And while that sounded beautiful, it was hard to believe at first—especially for the parts of me I had spent years trying to silence or fix. “We’re all multiple,” Schwartz says. “IFS is about accessing your Self and welcoming all of your parts with curiosity and compassion.”
The model teaches that we each have an internal system of parts—some that protect, some that carry burdens, and some that are exiled in pain. But at the core of all of us is the Self: a source of calm, clarity, compassion, and confidence.
My Journey with Parts Work
My first real encounter with parts work happened in a moment of deep anxiety. I felt consumed by overwhelm. I paused, placed a hand on my heart, and asked quietly inside: “What’s going on in there?” A voice responded—not out loud, but as a feeling and thought—a frantic part that was terrified of failing. I’d never paused long enough to listen before. And now I was seeing that this anxious energy wasn’t all of me. It was just one part, trying to help in the only way it knew how.
As meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach often says: “The first step in healing is presence. When we turn toward our pain with curiosity rather than judgment, transformation begins.” IFS invites us to do just that: to turn inward with compassion, listen to our parts, and build relationships with them.
The Power of Compassionate Curiosity
Instead of trying to suppress my anxious part, I asked it questions: What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this job? How long have you been doing this? It began to share memories—moments from my childhood when I felt alone or pressured to perform. This part had taken on its role to protect me from shame, disappointment, or disconnection. And once I truly heard it, it started to relax. As Kristin Neff, pioneer in self-compassion research, writes: “Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you’d offer a good friend.” This felt revolutionary. I realized I didn’t have to fight these inner voices. I could care for them.
Finding the Self
As more parts spoke up—my inner critic, the planner, the part that numbs out with scrolling or snacks—I began to see the beauty of this system. Each part was doing its best to help. But what they really wanted was to trust that someone (me) was finally in charge. That “someone” is what IFS calls the Self. Not a part, but our natural essence. In IFS, Self isn't something you achieve—it’s something you uncover. And it’s always there, like the sun behind the clouds. “Your Self is never damaged,” Schwartz writes. “It can’t be. It’s just obscured by the parts that carry pain.” As I worked with a guide and practiced regularly, I began to experience more Self-energy: calm, confidence, compassion, and creativity. My parts began to soften, and instead of reacting from fear or pressure, I could respond from presence.
Why IFS Might Be for You
If you’ve ever felt stuck in repeating patterns, overwhelmed by emotions, or like you’re constantly fighting yourself—I see you. And you’re not broken. You’re just made up of many beautiful, protective parts that are waiting to be heard and supported. IFS offers a path to do that gently, respectfully, and powerfully. Parts work has helped me feel whole, integrated, and deeply aligned with who I truly am. And it’s what I now help others access in their own healing journeys.
If you're curious about starting this process for yourself, here’s one gentle place to begin:
Try this:
Sit quietly.
Breathe.
Ask inside: “Is there a part of me that wants my attention right now?”
Whatever comes up—an image, sensation, emotion—greet it with curiosity. Just listen.
You don’t need to fix it. You just need to be there.
And if you'd like a guide, I’m here.
Want more insights like this? Sign up for my newsletter or explore my coaching offerings to start your own IFS journey.
